The stench of shite skelped me like a force of gale wind.
Big Eddie lying in a pool of his own pish, boy hadn’t left the room for days. I
mean there were four of them sharing a room but there was absolutely no need
for that smell. As I was looking through the case my Ma had packed I noticed my
boxers were missing, so I had came in next door to ask if any the lads had any
spares. It seemed we had about four pair between the ten of us for a week.
Think we had been using them as toilet roll.
The smell of shite was too much, so I left Big Eddie sitting
the way he was, indulged in his K hole and I made my way back down to the pool.
Met Davie on ma way down singing his own rendition of "took a pill in Ibiza",
only pill that boy will be taking will be paracetomal for his sunstroke.
Back at the pool there was a bit of decent strange kicking about, I had my eye on a wee burd since we had arrived but she was
more interested in Mr Prada who sat in the shade with his jaw to one side,
prada hat, prada shorts, prada man bag, prada flip flops, sitting with a stall
that he had bought off the looky lookys.
“Anybody looking for any Ray berries” he laughed
Patter. So much patter, honestly I laughed that hard a fell
in to the pool, honestly. To be
honest a wish a had fell in to the pool because a canny swim, a woulda rather
died than listen to his painful chat any longer. Along came melano tan Dan, who
took a seat next to his pal Mr Prada and before a knew it the two of them were
arguing about who had brought the most ching up their arse over wae them.
Tadgers.
So the wee burd down at the pool eventually asked my name
and a told her
“Ashat?” she laughed
So that was your mans moment to say his bit, Prada specks sitting on his nose
“Did you shite aye”
Sure enough he had the full pool in hysterics, bastard.
If only James had been there, he would have gave him it
stinkin, a mean the big man woulda chased me up that west end, Prada flip
flops on or no but you canny chase a gay guy. James had decided he wasn’t
coming to Ibiza this year because he had met a wee guy on grinder, so they had
booked up Cancun, the smell of shite fae that room made me wish I had third
wheeled they two instead, this rat infested flee pit was making me ill. He
facetimed me every day right enough and was sending over voice notes to keep me
up to date with his new mrs.
Time was starting to get on a bit so me and the lads decided
we would go up and start getting ready, there was a big night in Amnesia. One
of the boys was shouting about how techno was life, house every weekend, if
you’re not on the dance floor what the fuck you here for. Aw that madness,
know?
“Aye I’m looking forward to seeing Hot since 82 the night
boys”
“Aye? What is it they sing again?” a asked
I presumed wae the laughter that followed, they never sang
anything and they weren’t a they. But I wasn’t joking, I’d never heard of this
wee guy before, I was really only here for the burds and the drugs but I only
seemed to be getting far with the latter. Big Eddie managed to square himself
up and we headed along to the West End.
We approached the highlander with caution, Big Eddie got
himself barred last year, flung a chair at another boy from wee men and ended
up getting a doin off one of the Gaurdia and a night in the cells. A had to pay
the bastard out. Chargin up and down that strip rippin out ma postcode looking like
Sloth trying to get some doh together, his ma on wan phone, his baby ma on the
other. So when we seen the wee-men standing outside we wondered if it was
worthwhile going in. Big Eddie’s rapid so if it all kicked off, he’d be off
like a shot, we had a couple a lines before we went up and I was sure a heard
one of them say
“Go for the fat wan”
I’m the fat wan, it’s me. I had been hammering the gym and
the protein shakes but I went to Ibiza the same way I went last year,
fat.as.fuck. But as we neared the door they gave us a nod and all was well.
“Aye lucky they never started lads, a wasny fuckin aboot
there” sweat drappin aff ma heid, heart going 90
A couple a venoms later we decided we’d go flag down wan a
they illegal taxis and head in to this gig, rave, whatever we’re calling it - we
were gon’. Before we went in we took a photo infront of the bus, that’ll be my
new profile photo a thought. 9 euro for a bottle a water a was having thoughts
about fake collapsing so a didn’t need to pay for one, robbing bastards, little
did a know, a wouldn’t need to fake it.
Big Eddie loves the Ket, am more of a mandy man myself after
the alien escapade in that gaff up the egg, but its Ibiza innit and when somebody offers you a bump a something
its rude to knock it back, so a bump a took, and what a bump it was. At first a
could see nothing but bubbles, so a tried to grab them, Big Eddie looking on in
sheer amusement.
I felt like I was about two inches tall and everything
around me was towers above me, if a really wanted to a could have walked up the
walls. Me and Eddie weren’t in the same dimension we were both in different
worlds, a didny have a clue what he was saying, a mean a could hear his voice
but nothing made sense.
I felt like everybody was staring at me “look at that wee
fat ugly bastard” they were saying, so I was glad I had bought a pair of
“rayberries” off a Mr Prada earlier on, with them on they were all inferior, nothing
could touch me, I was thee man,
i.am.fucking.invincible
Then Eddie gave me another bump, and that was it. Thee man no longer, invincible my arse. Somebody
had superglued my feet to the floor and it was starting to open up, before a
knew it I was on the deck, and was getting huckled out on the Samaritans
wheelchair, much to big Eddies delight.
We missed the band but Eddie said my ket legs gave him more
amusement than any Dj ever could. I watched on in horror as he recorded me with
his phone, laughing away, uploading it to facebook. Knowing fine well he’s got
my Ma as a friend.
The next morning Eddie had hit a bad yin and decided once
again not to leave the room, he was missing the best day of the holiday. Jet
Sundays. Except it turned out to be a disaster one of the boys took that much
ket he refused to come inside because he believed that every person he met was
part of ISIS and the security guard had called for an airstrike. Two of the
boys went out on a jet ski and crashed into another two of the boys, safe to
say their holiday was finished there and then and we somehow managed to get
ourslef in to a scuffle for laughing at a burds camel toe who just so happened
to be with the biggest boy in Ibiza. Take it easy Arnold.
Home in a taxi with a black eye and no money to our name, we
headed back to the room for a night of narcotics, along the way we bumped into
a couple of cock junkies we knew from back home, I wasn’t havin much luck over
the holiday so if it came to it then a would be offering one night of pleasure
with my porridge gun to one of these middens.
Except it wasn’t a
night of pleasure, it was ten seconds of nothing but sheer pain, as she dug her
dirty filthy nails in to the sunburn on my back, they say Asians don’t burn –
thats what they want you to believe, it’s aw a conspiracy. I could hear her on
the phone laughing to her pal about the performance. Wee boot. 30 euros to get
her in to my hotel, I should have saved myself the money bought a bag a ket and spared myself the
embarrassment.
Cant win them all lads a thought to myself as a stumbled
back to the room to see what the boys were up to, Big Eddie ko’d on the bed so
a whipped out my wully and planked it on his napper, a got Davie to take a picture
and posted it on instagram, payback for the photo of me and the wheels. So much
lad banter.
“So wit happened back there then mate did you pump her?”
Davie asked
“Aye big man, every position imaginable, licked ma arse then
her pal got involved, let me pish aw er them, no bad ride mate, no the best but
no the worst know wit a mean”
“Quality, bro”
When Eddie finally came around, we got back to business and
kept the party goin in the room of doom,
Eddie asked
“would you rather shag a dug and have nobody know about it
or no have shagged a dug but everybody thinks you have”
The “flee” muskateers indeed.
The next day it was home time and although Eddie had been on
skyscanner every day since we got there he stuck it out and was flying on the
same flight us as. A managed to scrape together the last of my euros for a
burger king that a sat and stared at until our gate was shown on the screen.
We sat next to each other but never uttered a word, no eye
contact was made, to be quite honest I’m hoping a don’t hear from any of them
again. Checked my online banking, had a mini heart attack there and then, am hoping my ma’s ménage money has been cashed
when im back or I’ll be selling my arse when i’m hame. Then I seen big Eddies
facebook status
“what a holiday lads, Hot since 82 was the highlight of the
trip, seen the new yacht down mambos am thinking a buying, managed to give big
Wayne Linekers mrs the meat injection, took her right out his hands at ocean
beach, some amount a shaggin we done, the purple inky was received by many, need
to get masel checked as soon as am home, same again next year lads”
Aye okay you chlyd kid, it seemed a wasny the only dirty lying
bastard this holiday, as we boarded on to the plane a seen Mr Prada and
Melanotan Danwith their pacha jumpers they’d bought for their Mrs' they refused to
bring and had forgot they even had the past week.
So a sat there contemplating my life, on the verge of tears,
is this the kind of useless bastard am gawny be all my life. I don’t think
these rat bastard pals a mine even like me, jaw aching, head thumping, sleep
deprived, a just kept thinking get me hame.
Ibiza- car crash of a place, epitome of shite hole, hell on earth.
“I’ll no be back here, this is my last year lads” I managed
to spit, lip trembling, and the lads laughed .. And laughed and laughed.
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